Interacting with people who have never met a deaf person can sometimes make an interesting encounter. I had to compile a list of questions/comments you should never say to a deaf person:
“Can you hear me now?!” (covers mouth and screams)
I can’t tell you how often this happens; more frequently when I was younger in middle and high school. I played for a co-ed soccer team which my dad helped coach practices. One day I had a male teammate that asked me if I could hear him now as he covered his mouth and screamed (my dad heard him). I stood there puzzled having no idea what he had even asked me. I’ve even had people come up to my ears and scream “Can you hear me?!”.
“I’m sorry.”
Why? This is the most awkward thing you could say to a deaf person. I don’t feel sorry. This is my life. This is all I know. I can still do normal things. I can play sports. I can read books. I can travel. I can write. What’s there to be sorry about? When someone says that to me, it makes me feel weird and I never know what to say back.
“Can you drive?”
Why do you need your hearing to drive? “What about the firetrucks and ambulances?" I can SEE them! Some first responders don’t use the sirens, but use the lights. Deaf drivers are statistically proved to be safer drivers than hearing drivers because of high alertness and quicker motor reflexes. I can spot a flashing light from an emergency vehicle probably a mile behind or ahead of me, quicker than others. I have pulled over so many times with people around me not realizing that emergency vehicles were coming.
“You don’t look deaf.”
How can I look deaf? The hearing loss is inside my ears.
“I know ASL!” and flips the bird.
This is pretty old… I have gotten this reply so many times that it’s just [eye-rolling].
“Where are you from?” (accent)
This may be my favorite. I love it when people think I’m from another country. Sometimes I do have fun with this one, saying that I’m from (whatever country I feel like that day). Sometimes I would just say Upstate NY (where I am actually from) and people give me a strange look.
“I don’t know how I could live without music if I was deaf.”
I don’t know what I’m missing out on with hearing music. I still can enjoy music in a different way so it’s not missing from my life just because of my deafness. I went to a Flogging Molly concert last spring and wrote about it here. This comment is no different than saying that you don’t want my life. I happen to love my life!
“Tell her I said (this and that)” (Talk to my interpreter/friend/family like I’m not standing there).
I’m standing right there. You can ask me directly, look at me and whoever is with me will help to communicate. You can ask “How are you?” and they will sign “how are you” to me. If you say “Ask her how is she?”. They will sign “ask her how is she?”. It’s just confusing.
“Can you lipread?”
Almost always I want to reply “Can you read my sign?”. Read here.
“Why didn’t you get cochlear implants?”
People always think cochlear implants is an easy fix but it’s a huge decision. I wrote about my reason why I didn’t get them here.
“Wow! You can talk.”
Some deaf people talk. Some deaf people don’t. It’s a personal choice if they want to use their voice. I learned speech/talking first before sign language. Still, when I get that from people, it makes me cringe. I feel like it’s one of the more degrading comments you could say to a deaf person. We have the ability to do anything but hear.
“What’s the sign for (swear/dirty word)?”
One of the most annoying questions that I frequently get. When I meet a person who asks me that, it makes me feel like they’re not really interested in getting to know me as a person. I’m not your walking personal dictionary. Look it up yourself.
“I want to learn sign language.”
This is the most overused phrase that deaf people get. It's flattering when people are serious about wanting to learn sign language. Unfortunately, the majority of people who have said this to me ended up not doing it. Learning sign language is a commitment, so don’t say that unless you really mean it.
I do understand that most of time when those things are said to me, it’s not people’s intention to offend me. I’m hoping this list helps everyone to think about what they ask before meeting a deaf person for the first time.
Now here’s a list of responses I’ve got from people once they found out that I’m deaf:
“I’m so sorry, I will pray for you.”
“Oh, so he’s your hearing aid.” (referring to my husband).
“Have you tried antibiotics?”
“Haha, yeah right, you’re pretending to not understand me.”
“Can I try on your hearing aids?”
“Wow, your family is hearing? How is that possible?”
“Are those radios in your ears or something?”
All opinion in this blog are my own. It does not reflect the opinions of other deaf members.