Deaf identity

There are a lot of struggles with being deaf in a hearing world, but also within our own deaf community. Unfortunately it is challenging to find my place in the deaf community even as a deaf individual.

I mentioned in the cochlear implants blog that there are many subgroups of the deaf community. I learned about them when I attended college at RIT (which also had a college for the deaf - National Technical Institute for the Deaf - NTID). During my childhood, I was mainstreamed with all hearing peers so I never truly found my identity until college.

NTID was more of a community college helping deaf students to earn associate degrees. The goal after associate degrees is to either enroll in a bachelors degree program at RIT or transfer to another university for further education. The majority of deaf students were accepted through NTID, but very few were able to transfer into RIT immediately on enrollment depending on their academic success. I spent my first term in NTID then I was enrolled into RIT under the criminal justice program. I was one of three deaf students in the program at the time. Sometimes I would have them in my classes and sometimes I would be the only one. It was more difficult for me to socialize with my deaf peers being mainstreamed again, I had to go seek them out.

For this reason, in my first year of college, I decided to join a deaf sorority. I wanted deaf “girlfriends” so that I could have shopping buddies, I wanted to do all the girly things that I missed out on during childhood and find my future bridesmaids. This helped me to be involved in the deaf world at RIT. Many girls came from all kinds of deaf lives so I learned a lot from them. The sorority was involved in a lot of activities and events at NTID, I was able to socialize with my deaf peers outside the sorority as well. I also learned so much about my deaf culture from my sisters, I never knew there was a famous deaf rapper who happened to be married to my big-big sister’s biological sister - Sean Forbes. I was amazed when we went to one of his concerts and saw him rapping in sign language! The sorority had about 50-60 sisters so there were still “cliques” of girls (mostly based on the subgroups of the deaf community that I had discussed). It was still difficult for me to find my place. I formed a friendship with one who became my best friend who I did everything with. I was disappointed that I didn’t leave with a group of girlfriends as I hoped but I did leave with a lot experiences because of them. The sorority gave me a huge start in exploring my identity.

Another factor that helped me to find my identity was my deaf best friend that I met at a summer camp, before attending RIT. My best friend actually is a Rhode Islander (I had NO idea that I would eventually be a New Englander!). We did everything together in the first two years of college. He taught me a lot about the deaf culture and community. We had a different school upbringing but yet we clicked so well. He attended a deaf institute in Rhode Island before coming to RIT. I saw his self confidence as a deaf individual which helped me to build up mine. When we would go places, I would see him confidently talking to people using his voice or writing (this was in the days before notes were available on phones). He wasn’t afraid to try. He was a very sociable person, and as I was a shy person, that helped me to come out of my shell.

I had a turbulent time during college figuring out where I belonged. I HATED Rochester. Not kidding. I felt like I wasn’t fitting into any groups. I got homesick. I went home every weekend in my 2nd & 3rd year of college. This didn’t help my social life in the middle of my RIT years. I realized that I didn’t appreciate the friends that I did have. I closed them off. Luckily for me, some of them were still there at the end. It was a long difficult journey but I did finally accepted myself as a deaf individual.

That time finally came for me in my final year at RIT. It was the greatest feeling. I spent my whole childhood wondering why I was chosen to be different. Being in Rochester changed that perspective for me. It was the closest to a “normal” life that I could ever have. Rochester is much more accessible for the deaf community. Going out to public places was comfortable, hearing people were aware of us. They were used to knowing how to communicate with us and familiar with our “deaf accents”. It was normal to sit at a red light in traffic and see deaf people signing in the car next to you. It was normal to see deaf people signing at Wegman’s while grocery shopping. It was normal for a deaf person to drive right up to the drive-thru window to place an order. There were even deaf professionals in the community such as veterinarians, counselors, dentists, etc. I didn’t feel different at all. I felt at HOME in Rochester.

Why would I move away from Rochester?

I get that question PRETTY OFTEN, even today. I moved to Connecticut shortly after my graduation. Honestly, I did not want to leave Rochester at first. I’ve lived in Connecticut for 8 years now. I only just realized two years ago that I wanted to stay in New England. As difficult as it was to leave Rochester, the only thing I truly loved about Rochester was feeling that normality but my heart was destined to be near the ocean, the city and mountains.

Moving to Connecticut was a another challenge to start all over in the deaf community. Unfortunately, I am in a “dry spot” in CT, where a deaf community is almost non-existent and there are very few deaf people locally. I would have to drive an hour up to Hartford, CT or Providence, RI to participate in deaf social events. I met the local deaf people, it was hard to socialize with them since they all had kids and I didn’t. I liked them but it wasn’t easy finding things to do together. I was excited when a local event popped up 5 years after moving here at the casino which was close by. I was nervous to attend but when I did, only one deaf person talked to me. Another event that I went to, I finally was able to talk to more deaf people but most of the questions I got was criticizing the lifestyle that I chose. They weren’t accepting of me. This drove me away from socializing in further events. I’m still hopeful to make new local deaf friends someday.

I did get a chance to work at a deaf institute up in Hartford, CT. The majority of the staff there were deaf. I was able to socialize with deaf co-workers but I was faced with that acceptance issue again. I was told that many deaf people in Connecticut are protective of their deaf community so they aren’t always welcoming of newcomers. I was upset about that because with the deaf community being so small and with only so few of us, I would think they would be more accepting to have more friends who speak their language and understand their culture. We face discrimination often so I was shocked to get that from my own community. Another thing is that I also was told that I wasn’t “deaf enough”. They were able to understand me when we communicate via sign language. I understand most of deaf culture from what I learned in college. Yet I was still not “deaf enough” because of my mainstreamed upbringing. It is very frustrating.

It is very lonely to be alone in CT but this is when I realized the importance of keeping in touch with my deaf friends from RIT online and via text messaging. I am SO lucky to have them! The distance and going through this difficult experience has helped some of those friendships to grow. I have found that many of them are going through similar experiences of not fitting in their local deaf communities, it isn’t just CT where this is occurring. It shouldn’t be challenging because living life as a deaf individual is already challenging enough!

These experiences have made me stronger BUT I do have my bad days. I learned that it helps to go to Rochester to reset myself. Ironically the place that I once hated has became a place to reset. I go up there a few times a year. Those trips are always good because it brings back my confidence and motivation as a deaf individual being back at home around deaf people in the deaf world. I feel better once I feel that normality. It reminds me of the journey I went through to love myself as a deaf person. Rochester is always going to be home for me, a place where I can truly be who I am. I can live with the fact that I won’t have that normality every day but Rochester will always be there for me when I need home. There are still times when I wish I could move back to Rochester permanently, but for now New England has my heart.