Deaf Anxiety

In my daily life as a deaf person, I have deaf anxiety. It is a phrase for deaf and hard of hearing people that have anxiety triggered from the inability to hear. The phrase ‘deaf anxiety’ was coined by deaf disability activist named Artie McWilliams. You can watch the video of him describing it here on YouTube - Artie McWilliams - Deaf Anxiety.

For many years, I’ve dealt with this but never knew what exactly to call it. Artie explained it perfectly and made a lot of sense. I was born into a hearing family and into a hearing environment. I was also born during the period when oralism was still encouraged over sign language. I grew up my entire life combating the stigma of deafness and trying to blend in the hearing world as much as possible.

Recently I attended a book signing. I had a HUGE case of deaf anxiety that started the morning of up to the book signing event at 4:30 PM. I struggled on whether I should share this experience because I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining or ‘poor me’. I don’t know how many people realize about deaf anxiety as it isn’t something that is often talked about.

The morning of, I woke up with excitement and nervousness of meeting one of my most favorite New England based authors. She was coming to visit the local bookstore in my town of Mystic, CT. I spent the entire day doing NOTHING. I was too nervous to do anything. I had plans of running errands. I couldn’t. I felt frozen. I overthought about every possible scenario that could happen at the book signing.

I was going alone too, so that elevated my nervousness. How can I communicate with everyone, especially the author? I wonder if anyone in line around me would try to talk to me? What if those behind me talk, and I don’t realize it? Would I have any issues of checking in the event with the bookstore staff? These were just a few thoughts I had.

Obviously I want to have a dialogue with the author. I planned on using the trusty Cardzilla app (a feature where you can type and the text is enlarged) on my iPhone to communicate. It hit me an hour before the event… what if I need to give my phone for the photo first before I even get to the author? That’s what had happened with another TV celebrity that I met. I found some nice stationary paper with hydrangeas on it and wrote my comments for the author.

When I showed up to the line, I tried to be early as possible so less waiting (and less time to over-think everything) would shorten the deaf anxiety. The bookstore staff was passing out papers with information about the book signing event which was so helpful. WHEW! It explained a lot of what will happen and what to expect.

About a half hour in (it was a total of an hour wait for me), the panic kicked in HARD. I felt nauseous, difficult to breathe, my heart was beating fast, sweating a little, my head was pounding, I felt like my legs were going. I started to pace in my little space that I had. I tried to focus on something but it was really difficult. Meanwhile, I looked completely fine on the outside so nobody would have known what was going on.

Once I got to the check in table, I knew to give them my printed out barcode. I smiled a lot and nodded. Followed what people in front of me did. I do a lot of watching of others around me at any events. As I was approaching the table, I was hit with panic again. I saw two people that I worked with on a collab. All of our interactions had been via e-mail or online. I never met them in person. How do I talk with them? Will they know who I am? It’d be nice to introduce myself to them, but how? I need to give my phone away for photos. I only had one note that was for the author.

Unexpected things pop up often during the events and I’m not prepared. It can really drive the deaf anxiety. I genuinely smiled at both of them. One of them commented that she recognized me so I was nodding in understandment. I felt silly that I couldn’t say more but didn’t have a way to communicate. Also both were working the event, so I knew there wasn’t a lot of time which is needed to communicate with any deaf person/people. I gave my phone to the other one, smiling at her and said hi.

I approached the author, she was faced down signing the book. I saw that she said something but I waited for her to look at me. This was when a moment happened that made me smile - the bookstore owner touched the author on the arm, said something to her (I’m assuming to tell her I was deaf or to look at me) and I gave her my note. I smiled a lot. I’m not sure if the author said anything in reply but she looked at me with a smile. We posed for the photos and I signed ‘thank you’.

I hate that all of this (deaf anxiety) is because of the years of stigma and inaccessibility. I spent the majority of my life immersed in the hearing world. I had internalized audism - I still feel from time to time that deafness is bad. I’m constantly on high alert, working out whether people will understand me, fake smiling/nodding, wanting to talk but can’t, and always feeling constant uncertainty. It is a LOT on me emotionally and physically. It’s even hard work to just run errands. Usually the day I have events to attend, I don’t do anything because I need that rest then after it’s over - I crash so hard.

Usually I avoid social events because of this. Don’t get me wrong, the book signing experience wasn’t AWFUL - I was very thrilled to meet the author. Naturally everything went well and the entire day of deaf anxiety seemed pointless. This is what happens every time - the majority of events, errands, whatever always turns out to be fine. I always wonder after the events/appointments/etc why did I stress so much like this? It seems so pointless but yet, the deaf anxiety never goes away because my deafness is for life.